Step Two, Part Two

Insanity

1. Did I believe I could control my using? What were some experiences with this and how were my efforts unsuccessful?
-When I first started using, I was able to control it. I set rules and boundaries related to using and I followed them very closely, as not to let it interfere with my life negatively.  But my using increased more and more as the months went on, needing more and more to reach that high, that numbness. But after about two years, I would start getting very sick, throwing up for hours, not sleeping for days. I was miserable. But it wasn't until after I got clean that I made the connection between using and being sick. I was dope sick. I really just believe I was in deep denial. Because when I would have these bouts of sickness, as soon as I would take that first hit, I'd instantly feel normal again. And that's when I realized my using had become a problem. Because I needed a chemical to feel "normal." When I finally decided to seek treatment I was dope sick as shit for 4 days. I literally thought I was dying. I've been clean for 58 days now and have not been sick once. I completely blame my sickness on my stupidity and drug use.

2. What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get drugs? Did I behave in ways of which now I'm ashamed? What were these situations like?
- I stole from people I care about, any lied to ones I love to either get more drugs, more money, etc... And I lied to cover up being high, even though I'm sure it was pretty obvious to everyone else. When you're on drugs your mind becomes cloudy and your judgment becomes less than great. For how much I hate being lied to, you'd think I'd never do it to someone else. I would find any way and anything I could to justify getting high. I just can't believe how much I manipulated and hurt people to get what I wanted, or thought I needed at the time. It makes me really ashamed of myself because I know that's not who I am.

3. Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships & other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things were interfering with my using?
- As my addiction progressed, I became more and more reclusive. I became very uncomfortable in social situations and people in general. I preferred solitude while using. I liked using with my friends on occasions, but using alone was my preference. I let many friendships lapse through neglect, and also through willful action, by always cancelling my plan at the last minute and making up excuses because I could not tell the truth. I didn't want to do anything besides my drugs despite having prior commitments elsewhere. 

4. Did I physically injure myself or others in my active addiction?
- There has been more times than I can count that I've been sitting in the bathtub, wondering how I got all these cuts and bruises because I have no recollection of them whatsoever. Friends say it's from me passing out and falling. And for almost 2 months I had a bruise the size of a fist on my upper thigh and I nor anyone else knew how it got there. It turned so purple and hurt so bad I ended up showing my dad and he had then proceeded to tell me that it was from him punching me, because he found me naked, passed out on my floor, with my eyes wide open. He thought I was dead. I can't even begin to imagine how scary that must have been for him, or how he felt. And I will forever feel guilty for that.

5. How have I overreacted or under reacted to things? How has my life been out of balance?
5a) - I've over and under reacted to a lot of things in my life. I overreacted about little things that piss me off and don't go my way. I overreact when I'm faced with difficulties, as I think weakly of myself and doubt my ability to cope and do what needs to be done. Anything that annoys me is sometimes only a step away from being intolerable and that's something I'm really trying to work on. Because it means I'm basically pissed off 99% of the day.
5b)- Ever since I found myself deep in my addiction, when a response or a solution is demanded of me, I tend to under react as a fear-based paralysis sets in. I've felt unease with myself in my addiction, until recently, it's never been about changing myself, only  the way I feel. The consequences of my self-centeredness and selfishness. One cannot live and function in such intense isolation and not end up functionally alone. I need sober, supportive friends to back me up.

6. In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs? Compulsive gambling, eating or sex-seeking? Something else?
- In my addiction, avoidance strategies is how I dealt with almost everything. I though if I just paid it no attention, the problem would go away. This attitude is what got me arrested, and into a lot of trouble. I cannot seek solving my problems by running away from them anymore. I must face them head-on, head strong.

7. Is part of my insanity the belief that symptoms of my addiction (using drugs/some other manifestation) is my only problem?
- Hell no. Sometimes I feel like I have my psychological issues than Heath Ledger. I'm in my head way too much. I'm trying to reign my brain in so it stops going off on wild tangents of regret, fear, and guilt. Sometimes I feel powerless over my own thoughts. I also used to continue to do the same things over and over, expecting different results. And that's the pure definition of insanity. I know I must change my thoughts and thinking patterns and my actions if I  truly want different results.

8. When we've acted on obsession, even though we know what the results would be, what were we feeling about beforehand? What made us go ahead?
- For me, instant gratification. Sometimes I'm inpatient and unwilling to wait for simple things. The money, the microwave, the weed, the duster, the coke, the social interaction. Sometimes I'm the definition of insane. I felt like I wasn't getting mine and I wasn't going to wait anymore, at least not for the healthy things in my life. Insanity dominated my life. I thought I had found the answer in drugs, but oh how wrong I was.