Step One, Part Five

* Unmanageability

1. What does unmanageability mean to me?
- When I was doing drugs, life seemed to be pretty manageable, even the few times I had done coke, I felt like I had my life under control. But I realize now that it was only because I was high, and numb to the world. Some things about my past show me that unmanageability are:
a) I couldn't stop no matter how sick it made me
b) Spent money I didn't have
c) Missing work
d) Avoid responsibilities
e) Bite me tongue and be a doormat
f) Wasn't productive at work
g) Didn't pay my bills
h) Didn't take care of myself or my health
i) Wrecked my car
j) Ashamed & humiliated myself to get that next high

2. Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything that I could have been arrested for it only I was caught? What were these things?
- Luckily, I've never been arrested directly related to drugs or my addiction. But I was arrested for a ticket that I did not pay, because I didn't have the money to pay it because I had spent it all on dope. And there were so many times, more than I could ever count that I've driven around with drugs in my car, which is definitely illegal and a criminal offense.

3. What trouble have I have at work/school because of my using? What about family?
- I've lost several jobs due to being dope sick & not showing up, or having no motivation or care to go. That makes me really disappointed in myself, because before my addiction took hold of me, I was extremely motivated and driven. I've lost focus and interest in school, though I'm working really hard to get back in and hope to start classes this summer. Family - it's caused all of them to lose complete trust in me and be extremely disappointed in me.

4. What troubles have I had with friends due to my addiction?
- Honestly, I think a lot of my friends were unaware of how bad my addiction was, I don't even know if they would label it as addiction, because most of them were using buddies. I also lost touch with a lot of people, because in the deepest part of my depression and addiction, I tended to isolate myself, not even leaving the house unless it was to get more dope. I rarely answered the phone and never wanted to go out and do anything. I just wanted to be alone in my addiction and insanity.

5. Do I insist on having my own way? What affect has my insistence had on relationships?
- Rarely. In fact, when I am in a relationships, I'm a complete pushover. I do whatever I can to make them happy, even if they treat me like complete shit. I become a doormat and a servant. I put my own happiness and needs on the back burner, because I become so infatuated with them. I know this is unhealthy and it needs to change before I take a stab at a new relationship.

6. Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
- Yes, I consider the needs of others, almost to a fault. I tend to put others' needs before my own, to the detriment of my own needs. When I didn't consider the needs of others, I was stealing money from family and when I would get caught (which was rarely) I'd lie, saying I used the money for doctors' apts, prescriptions, etc...

7. Do I accept responsibility for my life and for my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
- I'm still in the very early stages of recovery, but I am learning again to take responsibility for everything in my life, good or bad. At the moment, meetings and recovery are my #1 priority. It's what I need right now to stay sober. But I'm getting better at dealing with life as it comes, and all this, I've learned through the wonderful program of Narcotics Anonymous. 

8. Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
- I like to plan every aspect of my life to a T. I become very agitated when those plans are not followed through. Although I know that's just the way life goes sometimes. I already have such bad anxiety and when things don't go how I had planned it just escalates. I know that this is no way to deal with life, as somethings are just simply out of my hands. But I'm learning to better deal with the curve balls life throws at me, and just go with the flow.

9. Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected me?
- I do not take life's challenges as an insult. I accept them for what they are, and see them as an opportunity for prosperity and growth. One more thing I can kick it's ass. Nothing will bring me down now, because I am more determined than I have ever been, about anything.

10. Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to everything with panic?
- I'll be the first to admit, it's small things that send me over the edge. Things I feel should be common sense to most. That's what gets under my skin more than anything. But for me, crisis mode typically kicks in when I'm in absolute isolation. Because I refuse social gestures to help lure me out of them. But I wouldn't necessarily say I maintain a crisis mentality. 9/10 times I try to find the silver lining, no matter how bad the situation may be, because I always just tell myself "it could be worse." I don't like to be a Negative Nancy. No one likes that. And negative thinking only leads to negative actions and people. I want to veer away from that lifestyle because I've been trapped for way too long.

11. Do I ignore signs that there may be something seriously wrong with my health, thinking that things will work out somehow?
- My health used to be a constant source of stress for me before I got clean. I was sick on a weekly basis and have far too many ER trips to begin to count. Yes, I did nothing about it because I was naive and did think it would work itself out. I have no problem bitching at a doctor because they can't figure out what's wrong with me, or why this keeps happening to me, but I had every problem admitting and becoming aware that I was more than likely doing this to myself due to my excessive drug use. But I have had zero health issues since I have been clean and I have high hopes that it will continue this way. No one likes being sick all the time, although it would appear that it didn't bother me that much, because it took me 2 years to stop the bullshit and realize I was doing it to myself.

12. When in real danger, have I ever been indifferent to the danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.
- Well, to say the least, my give-a-fuck meter was usually pinned at 0. I didn't care about anything, except getting high no matter what lengths I had to go to do so. But when things take a turn for the worse, I tend to just isolate myself and pretend whatever is going around me, isn't.

13. Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
- Physical altercations? Never. But I've indirectly harmed others by stealing from them. And also caused harm to others by things I have said, raking up shit from the past and poring petty and ancient resentments on them. But I think the worst way I have caused harm is to myself. I've done a great deal of emotional and mental damage to myself. I've neglected people I love to isolate and use. I cut almost everyone out. Now that I'm clean, most of them don't want anything to do with me, and I can't say that I blame them. I only have myself to blame for that.

14. Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? 
- Of course I took drugs to change/suppress my feelings. I think nearly all addicts do that. That's one thing I have learned about recovery, is that details of our behaviors may be different, but we all have the same reason for doing them. What was I trying to change or suppress? Suppress feelings of abuse, wanting to drown it out and not think about it, not feel the damage it's done to me mentally. To drown out all the horrible names I've been called by those who claim to "love me." To forget about everything and not feel. To get through a day without feeling sad or down on myself, or like I deserved for all this to happen to me. Because believe me, no one deserves to be put through what I have been put through.

15. Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect and/or dignity? Describe.
- No, not particularly. Sometimes my emotions and feelings become overwhelming and confusing but most of the time I'm able to recognize that these are just feelings and will pass. My only real issue here is that most of the time, I don't know what to do WHILE I'm feeling them.