Step One, Part Four

* Powerlessness

1. Over what, exactly am I powerless?
- My addiction. My ability to stop using on my own, no matter how much I have tried, or wanted to.

2. I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do while focusing on recovery. What were they?
- I've lied, cheated, and stole anything from anyone with no remorse. I did whatever I could to get that next fix, that next high, and I didn't care who I had to hurt to get it. And that's NOT who I am. This disease has turned me into a monster. And I was constantly lying/hiding being high, even to my "friends."

3. How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction?
- I become very isolated, aggravated, pissed off and paranoid, wondering where that next fix is coming from. I was always scheming ways to get money out of people, promising to pay them back, when I knew I had no intentions of doing so & constantly chasing drugs, wondering where that next fix was coming from.

4. Do I manipulate others to maintain my addiction? How?
- Yes. I would hangout with other people I only pretended to like because they had what I wanted. I only did this when I absolutely had to though, because I'd have rather just isolate and provide for myself. 

5. Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that life was so painful that I didn't stay abstinent for very long? What were these times like?
- Yes. These times I was so miserable and bored and going through the motions of life felt like a chore to me. Very lonely and depressed. I tried filling this void with guys, but soon learned that they were not really interested in who I was or what I had to say, but only in sex. I was used a lot and have been in a number of abusive relationships.

6. How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others?
- I can't begin to put into words the amount of damage that I have done to myself and others. Things I've done, people I've hurt, things that no amount of amends could ever erase. I know this road to recovery will be a long & hard one to travel. The fungus inside my soul grows larger with each deed that cannot be undone. There's a monster inside of me that demands to feed. I've been cut, scarred, bruised, beaten, humiliated, spit on, discarded, degraded and laughed at. Somehow the drugs could even drown out laughter. I hate you for not loving me, but I hate myself more because I loved you.