Step One, Part One

*The Disease of Addiction
Addiction has been my enemy, yet my friend. Although I have demonstrated some control in my past drug use, it quickly got out of control. The problem was, I was a functioning drug addict. And to me, that's the worst kind. While I felt bad deep down inside, my addiction was protecting me from feeling the guilt and shame that I should have been feeling. Addiction was the part of me that makes excuses for my use, the part of me that tells me it is okay because I was born like that, and I can't help it. When in fact, I have learned through my early stages of recovery that I CAN help it. My disease tells me that I don't have a disease, but I know in my heart of hearts I do, and that's why I am choosing to do something about it. I want to turn my life around completely.

1. What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
- To me, the disease of addiction means being fully dependent on some type of chemical substance, and needing it on a daily basis just to get through the day and to function normally.

2. Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
- Today I am 28 days sober. So, it hasn't been active as of late and I plan to keep it that way. I've already come so far and worked so hard. I already see a huge change in myself and in my attitude. I Remember The Pain, and I never want to go back to my old way of life.

3. What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?
-a) The thought of getting high quickly comes to mind whenever I become frazzled or angry. When I feel bad and I take that hit, even though I only briefly feel relief, I soon feel the determination to indulge as soon as I can, doing & hurting anything & anyone I have to to get more. It becomes an obsession, and there lies the problem. And definitely comes into play Emotions over Intellect.
-b) My thinking includes justification, ("I deserve this") rationalization, ("I've done well so far today, I'll make up for it by not using tomorrow") deceptiveness, (hiding behavior or preparing excuses) helplessness & negativity, ("fuck it, what's one more hit?") And "so what if I piss away more time and money, my life is going nowhere anyway.")

4. When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
-a) When I get a crazy thought, I try my hardest not to act on it and I can usually talk myself down from it because I always try to consider the consequences. I never did like to be in trouble, or the cause of problems, even though I know I was a lot of the time.
-b) The only time I really have compulsive behavior is when I'm using or thinking about using and then I become very anxious and irritable. BUT, I always try to play the tape through and remember the pain because thus far, that has worked & kept me clean. I never want to experience that self-inflicted pain again.

5. How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives around me?
- It's caused me a lot of problems in my personal & family life. I stopped putting others before myself, which is not when I am & I'm really trying to change that. I need to check these feelings when I have them and learn some patience. I make my family uncomfortable when I am in this state. I have a lot of self-confidence, I just need to learn to use that in a positive way, and not just to get what I want from people.

6. How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
-Physically- It's affected me physically because it caused me to be very sick & therefore unproductive most of the time. I've been diagnosed with Cylic Vomiting Syndrome. But truth be told, I think the root of that was the drugs I was doing. And I'm sure I've destroyed many brain cells during my addiction.
-Mentally- Mentally, I've let my addiction grow immensely. I used because I didn't want to deal with the every day, small, simple issues of life. I used to become numb. I exposed it, fed it, and nurtured it. I've passed up a lot of opportunities for intellectual growth by isolation. By nurturing it, I listened to it's evil voice, it's befriended me in more ways than I can describe. It was my best friend, I honestly loved my drugs and it was all I cared about. I don't have a lot of self-discipline, obviously because that's what got me here. My thinking patterns need a definite transformation. I've contemplated suicide before. In my active addiction I felt worthless, full of guilt, shame, dread and regret. Sometimes I rush into things without thinking them through.  
-Spiritually- When in my active addiction, I immediately severed all ties with my higher power. No contact whatsoever. Spirituality has to be the core of my recovery.
-Emotionally- When my head is consumed by my addiction, I am an all around, complete wreck. It consumes me completely. I cry a lot when I am in pain or just become very angry & hostile.

7. What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
- By causing me to constantly doubt myself in any decision I am trying to make.