Step One, Part Two

*Denial

1. Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
- In the past, in my active addiction, my behavior has gotten progressively worse and my excuses for not doing things I promised and not going to work have become less and less plausible. Throughout my past I have blamed a lot of things on my childhood and felt like I was entitled a break since I had such a rough time growing up, a lot of responsibilities were placed on my shoulder at a very young age. The main issue I have is the tendency to want to isolate myself. I have a lot of trust issues with others because I have been screwed over so many times. I do that for my own protection, but I know it's not good or healthy. I've built a wall around myself & find it very difficult to let others in. I don't like the feeling of vulnerability.

2. Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I planned to act that way? What were these times?
- I'm not generally a compulsive person except when it comes to my using. Then I will do, use, and abuse anyone I have to go get what I want and feel no remorse for it.When I feel this compulsion kicking in, I try to reorder my task list for the rest of the day to do constructive things that will eat up my time, keep my busy, and keep my mind occupied and off using. 

3. How have I blamed others for my behavior?
- Since my casual drug use grew into addiction, I have blamed others for the predicaments my life is in. ("if he'd of never introduced me to that, I wouldn't be an addict.") But the truth is, addiction runs in my family and I was born an addict. I was just too young to see the signs. I'm guilty of diverting pain towards others, like ex-boyfriends and the way they have treated me. It's time to own up to my own issues and mistakes, as I cannot fully heal until I do.

4. How have I compared my addiction to that of others? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare to others?
- As much as I'd like to think my addiction isn't as bad as others, I know this is not true because addiction is addiction, and a drug is a drug is a drug is a drug. They are all harmful to the mind, body & soul. I've compared myself to others by thinking that because I got a hold of this at a young age and haven't struggled with this for many years, that I'm not as bad as others. But I've realized that it's just as bad, no matter what the drug is, and that I'm just more fortunate than most to realize that this is a problem in my early twenties, and to choose to do something about it.

5. Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should have known better?
- Although I'm no longer using, I want to make my sober life a happy life, and learn to be more at ease. And for that I need to become completely honest. I remembering drinking/using as a teenager, and I always did to with the sole intention of getting fucked up. I am plagued by the fact that I should have known better, because it doesn't take a scientist to figure out that this way of life only leads to trouble. 

6. Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction & recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
- Tricky question. I do know that I have the strength from the fellowship and God to not use today, that I'm not alone in my thoughts and emotions. If I do what is suggested, I will make it through another day. And if I keep coming back, I will stay connected and that evil voice inside me is separated more from my sobriety and I. Do I feel I have enough information? Not really. I have never really studied this until I realized I was an addict myself, but I'm learning more as I continue my road to recovery.

7. Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I feel the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried of what others will think?
- I'm not avoiding action because I want to get help. That's why I'm here. Although owning up to all the things I've done wrong is very difficult, it's also humbling at the same time. I'm not ashamed because I know I am not the only one facing this disease. I've admitted that I am an addict & that I have am problem. And I am ready to fully surrender myself to this program and kick addictions ass! I do not care what others think because I am doing this for me, and I'm ready for a new, clean and sober life. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.