Coming To Believe
1. Do I have fears about coming to believe? What are they?
- I do have some fears. I fear that sometimes I won't be able to sustain my beliefs because I have founded it on something that will withstand my scrutiny or my own questioning. In times of difficulty, I've come to believe , but I hear that simply won't be enough.
2. Do I have barriers that make it difficult to believe? What are they?
- I sometimes have a hard time in believing something I cannot see. I lost faith for a long time during my active addiction. But now that I'm coming to believe again, I see that my higher power can work miracles. My higher power has lifted the want to use from me. I still have my days where I'm in my head, but I play the tape through and think of the consequences if i do use, and know that I don't want to go back to that place ever again.
3. What does the phrase. "we came to believe in a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," mean to me?
- To me, it means that if I'm able to believe in a higher power, which for me is God, then I'm able to accept the fact that if I truly believe in Him, and put all my faith in Him, then he will restore me to sanity. He will remove this burden I've been feeling for so long in my life.
4. Have I ever believed in anything for which I didn't have tangible evidence? What was this experience like?
- When I was younger I went to Catholic Church and believed in God. But I stopped going and through my teenage years, I lost a lot of that faith because I stopped paying attention and listening to it. Btu since I've regained that faith that "there is something greater than me" out there, that's been very comforting to me. Doing good work makes me feel good about myself. I noticed that joining in with others who are pursuing similar goals as me gave me a feeling of well-being and purpose. I like feeling that way.
5. What experiences have I heard other recovering addicts share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my life?
- I've heard them share about how even though it's really tough in the beginning, it gets easier with time. They talked about how they've had this spiritual awakening, which I have yet to have, but I know it will come. They share about how great life is on the other side of addiction. Their stories truly gave me hope that my life will continue to get better.
6. In what do I believe?
- That there is something greater and more powerful than me that wants me to get better and is going to help me along the way. But most importantly, I believe in myself.
7. How has my belief grown since I've been in recovery?
- It's grown because I actually do believe again. I've seen how strong others' beliefs are and how it has positively impacted their lives. At first, I wasn't sure it could work for someone like me. But when I came here to Narcotics Anonymous, my fears slowly widdeled away. Things confirmed that I was in the right place if I wanted to change my life for the better. I knew I was where I belonged.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Step Two, Part Two
Insanity
1. Did I believe I could control my using? What were some experiences with this and how were my efforts unsuccessful?
-When I first started using, I was able to control it. I set rules and boundaries related to using and I followed them very closely, as not to let it interfere with my life negatively. But my using increased more and more as the months went on, needing more and more to reach that high, that numbness. But after about two years, I would start getting very sick, throwing up for hours, not sleeping for days. I was miserable. But it wasn't until after I got clean that I made the connection between using and being sick. I was dope sick. I really just believe I was in deep denial. Because when I would have these bouts of sickness, as soon as I would take that first hit, I'd instantly feel normal again. And that's when I realized my using had become a problem. Because I needed a chemical to feel "normal." When I finally decided to seek treatment I was dope sick as shit for 4 days. I literally thought I was dying. I've been clean for 58 days now and have not been sick once. I completely blame my sickness on my stupidity and drug use.
2. What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get drugs? Did I behave in ways of which now I'm ashamed? What were these situations like?
- I stole from people I care about, any lied to ones I love to either get more drugs, more money, etc... And I lied to cover up being high, even though I'm sure it was pretty obvious to everyone else. When you're on drugs your mind becomes cloudy and your judgment becomes less than great. For how much I hate being lied to, you'd think I'd never do it to someone else. I would find any way and anything I could to justify getting high. I just can't believe how much I manipulated and hurt people to get what I wanted, or thought I needed at the time. It makes me really ashamed of myself because I know that's not who I am.
3. Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships & other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things were interfering with my using?
- As my addiction progressed, I became more and more reclusive. I became very uncomfortable in social situations and people in general. I preferred solitude while using. I liked using with my friends on occasions, but using alone was my preference. I let many friendships lapse through neglect, and also through willful action, by always cancelling my plan at the last minute and making up excuses because I could not tell the truth. I didn't want to do anything besides my drugs despite having prior commitments elsewhere.
4. Did I physically injure myself or others in my active addiction?
- There has been more times than I can count that I've been sitting in the bathtub, wondering how I got all these cuts and bruises because I have no recollection of them whatsoever. Friends say it's from me passing out and falling. And for almost 2 months I had a bruise the size of a fist on my upper thigh and I nor anyone else knew how it got there. It turned so purple and hurt so bad I ended up showing my dad and he had then proceeded to tell me that it was from him punching me, because he found me naked, passed out on my floor, with my eyes wide open. He thought I was dead. I can't even begin to imagine how scary that must have been for him, or how he felt. And I will forever feel guilty for that.
5. How have I overreacted or under reacted to things? How has my life been out of balance?
5a) - I've over and under reacted to a lot of things in my life. I overreacted about little things that piss me off and don't go my way. I overreact when I'm faced with difficulties, as I think weakly of myself and doubt my ability to cope and do what needs to be done. Anything that annoys me is sometimes only a step away from being intolerable and that's something I'm really trying to work on. Because it means I'm basically pissed off 99% of the day.
5b)- Ever since I found myself deep in my addiction, when a response or a solution is demanded of me, I tend to under react as a fear-based paralysis sets in. I've felt unease with myself in my addiction, until recently, it's never been about changing myself, only the way I feel. The consequences of my self-centeredness and selfishness. One cannot live and function in such intense isolation and not end up functionally alone. I need sober, supportive friends to back me up.
6. In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs? Compulsive gambling, eating or sex-seeking? Something else?
- In my addiction, avoidance strategies is how I dealt with almost everything. I though if I just paid it no attention, the problem would go away. This attitude is what got me arrested, and into a lot of trouble. I cannot seek solving my problems by running away from them anymore. I must face them head-on, head strong.
7. Is part of my insanity the belief that symptoms of my addiction (using drugs/some other manifestation) is my only problem?
- Hell no. Sometimes I feel like I have my psychological issues than Heath Ledger. I'm in my head way too much. I'm trying to reign my brain in so it stops going off on wild tangents of regret, fear, and guilt. Sometimes I feel powerless over my own thoughts. I also used to continue to do the same things over and over, expecting different results. And that's the pure definition of insanity. I know I must change my thoughts and thinking patterns and my actions if I truly want different results.
8. When we've acted on obsession, even though we know what the results would be, what were we feeling about beforehand? What made us go ahead?
- For me, instant gratification. Sometimes I'm inpatient and unwilling to wait for simple things. The money, the microwave, the weed, the duster, the coke, the social interaction. Sometimes I'm the definition of insane. I felt like I wasn't getting mine and I wasn't going to wait anymore, at least not for the healthy things in my life. Insanity dominated my life. I thought I had found the answer in drugs, but oh how wrong I was.
1. Did I believe I could control my using? What were some experiences with this and how were my efforts unsuccessful?
-When I first started using, I was able to control it. I set rules and boundaries related to using and I followed them very closely, as not to let it interfere with my life negatively. But my using increased more and more as the months went on, needing more and more to reach that high, that numbness. But after about two years, I would start getting very sick, throwing up for hours, not sleeping for days. I was miserable. But it wasn't until after I got clean that I made the connection between using and being sick. I was dope sick. I really just believe I was in deep denial. Because when I would have these bouts of sickness, as soon as I would take that first hit, I'd instantly feel normal again. And that's when I realized my using had become a problem. Because I needed a chemical to feel "normal." When I finally decided to seek treatment I was dope sick as shit for 4 days. I literally thought I was dying. I've been clean for 58 days now and have not been sick once. I completely blame my sickness on my stupidity and drug use.
2. What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get drugs? Did I behave in ways of which now I'm ashamed? What were these situations like?
- I stole from people I care about, any lied to ones I love to either get more drugs, more money, etc... And I lied to cover up being high, even though I'm sure it was pretty obvious to everyone else. When you're on drugs your mind becomes cloudy and your judgment becomes less than great. For how much I hate being lied to, you'd think I'd never do it to someone else. I would find any way and anything I could to justify getting high. I just can't believe how much I manipulated and hurt people to get what I wanted, or thought I needed at the time. It makes me really ashamed of myself because I know that's not who I am.
3. Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships & other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things were interfering with my using?
- As my addiction progressed, I became more and more reclusive. I became very uncomfortable in social situations and people in general. I preferred solitude while using. I liked using with my friends on occasions, but using alone was my preference. I let many friendships lapse through neglect, and also through willful action, by always cancelling my plan at the last minute and making up excuses because I could not tell the truth. I didn't want to do anything besides my drugs despite having prior commitments elsewhere.
4. Did I physically injure myself or others in my active addiction?
- There has been more times than I can count that I've been sitting in the bathtub, wondering how I got all these cuts and bruises because I have no recollection of them whatsoever. Friends say it's from me passing out and falling. And for almost 2 months I had a bruise the size of a fist on my upper thigh and I nor anyone else knew how it got there. It turned so purple and hurt so bad I ended up showing my dad and he had then proceeded to tell me that it was from him punching me, because he found me naked, passed out on my floor, with my eyes wide open. He thought I was dead. I can't even begin to imagine how scary that must have been for him, or how he felt. And I will forever feel guilty for that.
5. How have I overreacted or under reacted to things? How has my life been out of balance?
5a) - I've over and under reacted to a lot of things in my life. I overreacted about little things that piss me off and don't go my way. I overreact when I'm faced with difficulties, as I think weakly of myself and doubt my ability to cope and do what needs to be done. Anything that annoys me is sometimes only a step away from being intolerable and that's something I'm really trying to work on. Because it means I'm basically pissed off 99% of the day.
5b)- Ever since I found myself deep in my addiction, when a response or a solution is demanded of me, I tend to under react as a fear-based paralysis sets in. I've felt unease with myself in my addiction, until recently, it's never been about changing myself, only the way I feel. The consequences of my self-centeredness and selfishness. One cannot live and function in such intense isolation and not end up functionally alone. I need sober, supportive friends to back me up.
6. In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs? Compulsive gambling, eating or sex-seeking? Something else?
- In my addiction, avoidance strategies is how I dealt with almost everything. I though if I just paid it no attention, the problem would go away. This attitude is what got me arrested, and into a lot of trouble. I cannot seek solving my problems by running away from them anymore. I must face them head-on, head strong.
7. Is part of my insanity the belief that symptoms of my addiction (using drugs/some other manifestation) is my only problem?
- Hell no. Sometimes I feel like I have my psychological issues than Heath Ledger. I'm in my head way too much. I'm trying to reign my brain in so it stops going off on wild tangents of regret, fear, and guilt. Sometimes I feel powerless over my own thoughts. I also used to continue to do the same things over and over, expecting different results. And that's the pure definition of insanity. I know I must change my thoughts and thinking patterns and my actions if I truly want different results.
8. When we've acted on obsession, even though we know what the results would be, what were we feeling about beforehand? What made us go ahead?
- For me, instant gratification. Sometimes I'm inpatient and unwilling to wait for simple things. The money, the microwave, the weed, the duster, the coke, the social interaction. Sometimes I'm the definition of insane. I felt like I wasn't getting mine and I wasn't going to wait anymore, at least not for the healthy things in my life. Insanity dominated my life. I thought I had found the answer in drugs, but oh how wrong I was.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Step Two, Part One
Hope
1. What do I have hope about today?
- I have hope that my life will continue to improve. I have hope that this new way of life will bring me strength and happiness. I know like will still throw challenges my way, but I have hope that recovery will teach me new ways to cope and better deal with life on life's terms. I hope that as I continue to work on these steps and learn, I will be granted serenity and freedom from addiction.
1. What do I have hope about today?
- I have hope that my life will continue to improve. I have hope that this new way of life will bring me strength and happiness. I know like will still throw challenges my way, but I have hope that recovery will teach me new ways to cope and better deal with life on life's terms. I hope that as I continue to work on these steps and learn, I will be granted serenity and freedom from addiction.
Monday, February 10, 2014
The Journey I've Begun
I've been using and abusing substances for quiet some time now. The thing is, I never considered myself an "addict." I never even thought I had a problem. I thought I was managing my drug use normally, like everyone else. But once my family caught on to what I was doing, I realized I needed help. Because I saw the turmoil I was putting my family through, and it was literally tearing us apart. I had lost my sense of self. I realized I didn't even know who I was anymore, and I hadn't felt anything real in years. I was constantly numbing my body and my mind. My life had become unmanageable. I knew this had to stop, because I wanted the old me back. So I checked myself into a rehab facility, and began my road to recovery. This is a journey of a thousand steps, and I've only just begun. It's now part of who I am, part of my story. This is the road less traveled for many, unfortunately. But if I can save at least one person from going through what I have been through, then I have accomplished a great deed in this world. This is a continuing story, so keep checking back.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Step One, Part One
*The Disease of Addiction
Addiction has been my enemy, yet my friend. Although I have demonstrated some control in my past drug use, it quickly got out of control. The problem was, I was a functioning drug addict. And to me, that's the worst kind. While I felt bad deep down inside, my addiction was protecting me from feeling the guilt and shame that I should have been feeling. Addiction was the part of me that makes excuses for my use, the part of me that tells me it is okay because I was born like that, and I can't help it. When in fact, I have learned through my early stages of recovery that I CAN help it. My disease tells me that I don't have a disease, but I know in my heart of hearts I do, and that's why I am choosing to do something about it. I want to turn my life around completely.
1. What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
- To me, the disease of addiction means being fully dependent on some type of chemical substance, and needing it on a daily basis just to get through the day and to function normally.
2. Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
- Today I am 28 days sober. So, it hasn't been active as of late and I plan to keep it that way. I've already come so far and worked so hard. I already see a huge change in myself and in my attitude. I Remember The Pain, and I never want to go back to my old way of life.
3. What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?
-a) The thought of getting high quickly comes to mind whenever I become frazzled or angry. When I feel bad and I take that hit, even though I only briefly feel relief, I soon feel the determination to indulge as soon as I can, doing & hurting anything & anyone I have to to get more. It becomes an obsession, and there lies the problem. And definitely comes into play Emotions over Intellect.
-b) My thinking includes justification, ("I deserve this") rationalization, ("I've done well so far today, I'll make up for it by not using tomorrow") deceptiveness, (hiding behavior or preparing excuses) helplessness & negativity, ("fuck it, what's one more hit?") And "so what if I piss away more time and money, my life is going nowhere anyway.")
4. When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
-a) When I get a crazy thought, I try my hardest not to act on it and I can usually talk myself down from it because I always try to consider the consequences. I never did like to be in trouble, or the cause of problems, even though I know I was a lot of the time.
-b) The only time I really have compulsive behavior is when I'm using or thinking about using and then I become very anxious and irritable. BUT, I always try to play the tape through and remember the pain because thus far, that has worked & kept me clean. I never want to experience that self-inflicted pain again.
5. How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives around me?
- It's caused me a lot of problems in my personal & family life. I stopped putting others before myself, which is not when I am & I'm really trying to change that. I need to check these feelings when I have them and learn some patience. I make my family uncomfortable when I am in this state. I have a lot of self-confidence, I just need to learn to use that in a positive way, and not just to get what I want from people.
6. How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
-Physically- It's affected me physically because it caused me to be very sick & therefore unproductive most of the time. I've been diagnosed with Cylic Vomiting Syndrome. But truth be told, I think the root of that was the drugs I was doing. And I'm sure I've destroyed many brain cells during my addiction.
-Mentally- Mentally, I've let my addiction grow immensely. I used because I didn't want to deal with the every day, small, simple issues of life. I used to become numb. I exposed it, fed it, and nurtured it. I've passed up a lot of opportunities for intellectual growth by isolation. By nurturing it, I listened to it's evil voice, it's befriended me in more ways than I can describe. It was my best friend, I honestly loved my drugs and it was all I cared about. I don't have a lot of self-discipline, obviously because that's what got me here. My thinking patterns need a definite transformation. I've contemplated suicide before. In my active addiction I felt worthless, full of guilt, shame, dread and regret. Sometimes I rush into things without thinking them through.
-Spiritually- When in my active addiction, I immediately severed all ties with my higher power. No contact whatsoever. Spirituality has to be the core of my recovery.
-Emotionally- When my head is consumed by my addiction, I am an all around, complete wreck. It consumes me completely. I cry a lot when I am in pain or just become very angry & hostile.
7. What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
- By causing me to constantly doubt myself in any decision I am trying to make.
Addiction has been my enemy, yet my friend. Although I have demonstrated some control in my past drug use, it quickly got out of control. The problem was, I was a functioning drug addict. And to me, that's the worst kind. While I felt bad deep down inside, my addiction was protecting me from feeling the guilt and shame that I should have been feeling. Addiction was the part of me that makes excuses for my use, the part of me that tells me it is okay because I was born like that, and I can't help it. When in fact, I have learned through my early stages of recovery that I CAN help it. My disease tells me that I don't have a disease, but I know in my heart of hearts I do, and that's why I am choosing to do something about it. I want to turn my life around completely.
1. What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
- To me, the disease of addiction means being fully dependent on some type of chemical substance, and needing it on a daily basis just to get through the day and to function normally.
2. Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
- Today I am 28 days sober. So, it hasn't been active as of late and I plan to keep it that way. I've already come so far and worked so hard. I already see a huge change in myself and in my attitude. I Remember The Pain, and I never want to go back to my old way of life.
3. What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?
-a) The thought of getting high quickly comes to mind whenever I become frazzled or angry. When I feel bad and I take that hit, even though I only briefly feel relief, I soon feel the determination to indulge as soon as I can, doing & hurting anything & anyone I have to to get more. It becomes an obsession, and there lies the problem. And definitely comes into play Emotions over Intellect.
-b) My thinking includes justification, ("I deserve this") rationalization, ("I've done well so far today, I'll make up for it by not using tomorrow") deceptiveness, (hiding behavior or preparing excuses) helplessness & negativity, ("fuck it, what's one more hit?") And "so what if I piss away more time and money, my life is going nowhere anyway.")
4. When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
-a) When I get a crazy thought, I try my hardest not to act on it and I can usually talk myself down from it because I always try to consider the consequences. I never did like to be in trouble, or the cause of problems, even though I know I was a lot of the time.
-b) The only time I really have compulsive behavior is when I'm using or thinking about using and then I become very anxious and irritable. BUT, I always try to play the tape through and remember the pain because thus far, that has worked & kept me clean. I never want to experience that self-inflicted pain again.
5. How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives around me?
- It's caused me a lot of problems in my personal & family life. I stopped putting others before myself, which is not when I am & I'm really trying to change that. I need to check these feelings when I have them and learn some patience. I make my family uncomfortable when I am in this state. I have a lot of self-confidence, I just need to learn to use that in a positive way, and not just to get what I want from people.
6. How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
-Physically- It's affected me physically because it caused me to be very sick & therefore unproductive most of the time. I've been diagnosed with Cylic Vomiting Syndrome. But truth be told, I think the root of that was the drugs I was doing. And I'm sure I've destroyed many brain cells during my addiction.
-Mentally- Mentally, I've let my addiction grow immensely. I used because I didn't want to deal with the every day, small, simple issues of life. I used to become numb. I exposed it, fed it, and nurtured it. I've passed up a lot of opportunities for intellectual growth by isolation. By nurturing it, I listened to it's evil voice, it's befriended me in more ways than I can describe. It was my best friend, I honestly loved my drugs and it was all I cared about. I don't have a lot of self-discipline, obviously because that's what got me here. My thinking patterns need a definite transformation. I've contemplated suicide before. In my active addiction I felt worthless, full of guilt, shame, dread and regret. Sometimes I rush into things without thinking them through.
-Spiritually- When in my active addiction, I immediately severed all ties with my higher power. No contact whatsoever. Spirituality has to be the core of my recovery.
-Emotionally- When my head is consumed by my addiction, I am an all around, complete wreck. It consumes me completely. I cry a lot when I am in pain or just become very angry & hostile.
7. What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
- By causing me to constantly doubt myself in any decision I am trying to make.
Step One, Part Two
*Denial
1. Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
- In the past, in my active addiction, my behavior has gotten progressively worse and my excuses for not doing things I promised and not going to work have become less and less plausible. Throughout my past I have blamed a lot of things on my childhood and felt like I was entitled a break since I had such a rough time growing up, a lot of responsibilities were placed on my shoulder at a very young age. The main issue I have is the tendency to want to isolate myself. I have a lot of trust issues with others because I have been screwed over so many times. I do that for my own protection, but I know it's not good or healthy. I've built a wall around myself & find it very difficult to let others in. I don't like the feeling of vulnerability.
2. Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I planned to act that way? What were these times?
- I'm not generally a compulsive person except when it comes to my using. Then I will do, use, and abuse anyone I have to go get what I want and feel no remorse for it.When I feel this compulsion kicking in, I try to reorder my task list for the rest of the day to do constructive things that will eat up my time, keep my busy, and keep my mind occupied and off using.
3. How have I blamed others for my behavior?
- Since my casual drug use grew into addiction, I have blamed others for the predicaments my life is in. ("if he'd of never introduced me to that, I wouldn't be an addict.") But the truth is, addiction runs in my family and I was born an addict. I was just too young to see the signs. I'm guilty of diverting pain towards others, like ex-boyfriends and the way they have treated me. It's time to own up to my own issues and mistakes, as I cannot fully heal until I do.
4. How have I compared my addiction to that of others? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare to others?
- As much as I'd like to think my addiction isn't as bad as others, I know this is not true because addiction is addiction, and a drug is a drug is a drug is a drug. They are all harmful to the mind, body & soul. I've compared myself to others by thinking that because I got a hold of this at a young age and haven't struggled with this for many years, that I'm not as bad as others. But I've realized that it's just as bad, no matter what the drug is, and that I'm just more fortunate than most to realize that this is a problem in my early twenties, and to choose to do something about it.
5. Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should have known better?
- Although I'm no longer using, I want to make my sober life a happy life, and learn to be more at ease. And for that I need to become completely honest. I remembering drinking/using as a teenager, and I always did to with the sole intention of getting fucked up. I am plagued by the fact that I should have known better, because it doesn't take a scientist to figure out that this way of life only leads to trouble.
6. Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction & recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
- Tricky question. I do know that I have the strength from the fellowship and God to not use today, that I'm not alone in my thoughts and emotions. If I do what is suggested, I will make it through another day. And if I keep coming back, I will stay connected and that evil voice inside me is separated more from my sobriety and I. Do I feel I have enough information? Not really. I have never really studied this until I realized I was an addict myself, but I'm learning more as I continue my road to recovery.
7. Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I feel the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried of what others will think?
- I'm not avoiding action because I want to get help. That's why I'm here. Although owning up to all the things I've done wrong is very difficult, it's also humbling at the same time. I'm not ashamed because I know I am not the only one facing this disease. I've admitted that I am an addict & that I have am problem. And I am ready to fully surrender myself to this program and kick addictions ass! I do not care what others think because I am doing this for me, and I'm ready for a new, clean and sober life. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.
1. Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
- In the past, in my active addiction, my behavior has gotten progressively worse and my excuses for not doing things I promised and not going to work have become less and less plausible. Throughout my past I have blamed a lot of things on my childhood and felt like I was entitled a break since I had such a rough time growing up, a lot of responsibilities were placed on my shoulder at a very young age. The main issue I have is the tendency to want to isolate myself. I have a lot of trust issues with others because I have been screwed over so many times. I do that for my own protection, but I know it's not good or healthy. I've built a wall around myself & find it very difficult to let others in. I don't like the feeling of vulnerability.
2. Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I planned to act that way? What were these times?
- I'm not generally a compulsive person except when it comes to my using. Then I will do, use, and abuse anyone I have to go get what I want and feel no remorse for it.When I feel this compulsion kicking in, I try to reorder my task list for the rest of the day to do constructive things that will eat up my time, keep my busy, and keep my mind occupied and off using.
3. How have I blamed others for my behavior?
- Since my casual drug use grew into addiction, I have blamed others for the predicaments my life is in. ("if he'd of never introduced me to that, I wouldn't be an addict.") But the truth is, addiction runs in my family and I was born an addict. I was just too young to see the signs. I'm guilty of diverting pain towards others, like ex-boyfriends and the way they have treated me. It's time to own up to my own issues and mistakes, as I cannot fully heal until I do.
4. How have I compared my addiction to that of others? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare to others?
- As much as I'd like to think my addiction isn't as bad as others, I know this is not true because addiction is addiction, and a drug is a drug is a drug is a drug. They are all harmful to the mind, body & soul. I've compared myself to others by thinking that because I got a hold of this at a young age and haven't struggled with this for many years, that I'm not as bad as others. But I've realized that it's just as bad, no matter what the drug is, and that I'm just more fortunate than most to realize that this is a problem in my early twenties, and to choose to do something about it.
5. Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should have known better?
- Although I'm no longer using, I want to make my sober life a happy life, and learn to be more at ease. And for that I need to become completely honest. I remembering drinking/using as a teenager, and I always did to with the sole intention of getting fucked up. I am plagued by the fact that I should have known better, because it doesn't take a scientist to figure out that this way of life only leads to trouble.
6. Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction & recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
- Tricky question. I do know that I have the strength from the fellowship and God to not use today, that I'm not alone in my thoughts and emotions. If I do what is suggested, I will make it through another day. And if I keep coming back, I will stay connected and that evil voice inside me is separated more from my sobriety and I. Do I feel I have enough information? Not really. I have never really studied this until I realized I was an addict myself, but I'm learning more as I continue my road to recovery.
7. Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I feel the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried of what others will think?
- I'm not avoiding action because I want to get help. That's why I'm here. Although owning up to all the things I've done wrong is very difficult, it's also humbling at the same time. I'm not ashamed because I know I am not the only one facing this disease. I've admitted that I am an addict & that I have am problem. And I am ready to fully surrender myself to this program and kick addictions ass! I do not care what others think because I am doing this for me, and I'm ready for a new, clean and sober life. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Step One, Part Three
* Hitting Bottom: Despair & Isolation
1. What crisis brought me to recovery?
- The fact that my entire family no longer trusted me & were extremely disappointed in me. My dad was to a point that he was ready to kick me out and didn't care where I went. He didn't even trust me enough to be home alone, and at 20 years old, that's a tough thing to deal with.
2. What situation led me to formally work step one?
- I knew if I didn't do this right away that I would end up like half the people I was in rehab with - relapsing and ending up back in a rehab facility within a year. I want to get a hold on this now while I'm young, because I want to be able to be successful, and enjoy the rest of my life.
3. When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? How so?
- I realized I had a problem when I couldn't even make it an hour without using something, let alone go an entire day completely sober. It started effecting everyone around me. To correct it, I checked myself into a rehabilitation center.
1. What crisis brought me to recovery?
- The fact that my entire family no longer trusted me & were extremely disappointed in me. My dad was to a point that he was ready to kick me out and didn't care where I went. He didn't even trust me enough to be home alone, and at 20 years old, that's a tough thing to deal with.
2. What situation led me to formally work step one?
- I knew if I didn't do this right away that I would end up like half the people I was in rehab with - relapsing and ending up back in a rehab facility within a year. I want to get a hold on this now while I'm young, because I want to be able to be successful, and enjoy the rest of my life.
3. When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? How so?
- I realized I had a problem when I couldn't even make it an hour without using something, let alone go an entire day completely sober. It started effecting everyone around me. To correct it, I checked myself into a rehabilitation center.
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