Step One, Part Eight

*Spiritual Principles

1. If I've been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or someone else?
- I'm lucky in the sense that I'm a fairly sociable person (when I want to be) and I've found a lot of sober friends through NA and treatment. I'm able to talk to with them about everyday life as well as my recovery. I've met so many wonderful people through NA which has helped me a lot to isolate less and know that I'm not alone. From experience, I sometimes find it hard to share my feelings and personal battles I've been through, sometimes it's hard for me to understand them well enough myself to be able to share them with others. I'm definitely working on it though, and writing it all out, and blogging it etc... It is really helping me to better understand myself.

2. Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had free from active addiction?
- This is an aspect of this I've only recently begun to understand. The idea that I'll always be an addict is just starting to settle with me, and I'm just now coming to terms/accepting that. I thought that recovery led to being fully recovered, but I know this to be untrue, as recovery will be a life long process.

3. Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer have to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?
3a) - I can be open and honest about everything. I don't have to remember what lies I told to who to keep my story straight, or to cover my tracks to hide my using.
3b) - I absolutely appreciate the freedom that has come along with this freeing of active addiction.

4. What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor or the person I heard it from to explain it to me?
- Some stock phrases don't sit well with me. Like "You know what happens to those who don't come to meetings? They use." That really grinds my gears, because I do know people with lots of clean time that did it without the program. I know that it is not the suggested way to do it, but some people have more strength and willpower than others. I know that for me personally, I need the program and I need meetings. But it doesn't work for everyone.

5. In what ways am I practicing open-mindedness?
- When  hear something I didn't know, or have a hard time believing, I get to ask questions. I can share my story and my thoughts and listen to others' as well. I can learn from anybody. Either what TO do, or what NOT to do.

6. Am I willing to follow my sponsors directions?
- Not without question. I'm the type of person that I need to understand why I'm being asked to do something before I do it. But I'm fully willing.

7. Am I willing to go to meetings regularly?
- Yes. I go to at least one everyday, sometimes two a day.

8. Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?
- Recovery already has my best efforts. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. I'm asking questions about anything I don't understand, I'm working on my steps daily, I go to as many meetings as I can, and I try to help newcomers as much as possible. I'm following the suggestions given to me, 100% and whole-heartedly.

9. Do I believe I'm a monster who has poisoned the world with my addiction?
- No, I know I am a good person, because I try to look out for everyone & help in any ways that I can. While I'm aware that I've made some bad decisions in the past, that does not mean that I'm bad. Everyone has problems, and I'm strong enough to choose to stare my demons right in the face, and take them on without worry.

10. Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or somewhere in-between?
- I think society is who loses when we stay needlessly sick, like I did for a very long time. But one persons wrong doings do not affect society as a whole. So I would have to say somewhere in between.

11. Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family & friends? In society as a whole? In what sense?
- I believe I'm as important to my family & friends as they are to me. They have been 100% supportive through this whole process and continue to be. I'm only one single member of society, so I believe I'm unimportant in the overall scheme of things. But I vote, and I pay taxes so I do believe I contribute to the economic growth, at a very small percentage. 

12. How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with the work in step 1?
- I think humility is a willingness to learn. And I'm more than willing to learn this new way of life. Working step one, I learned a lot about myself that I never knew, or at least never chose to accept. To practice acceptance, we must do more than just admit we're addicts. Once I accepted my addiction, I felt a sense of rising hope. I also began to feel a sense of peace. I've come to complete terms with my addiction, my recovery, and the meaning of the two realities coming together in my life. I no longer dread a future of meeting attendance, sponsor contact, and step work. Now I see recovery as a precious gift, and the work that comes with it is no more trouble than the normal routines of life. I no longer see this as a chore.

13. Have I made peace with the fact that I'm an addict?
- Yes, although I still feel guilty about it, and feel I was cheated because I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and family, I've come to terms with the fact that it is what it is, and I've accepted that completely. I'm willing to make whatever changes I need to.

14. Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay clean?
- Yes. Although I'm very scared of step five, I know it is absolutely necessary to my recovery. And I've learned that in recovery, doing things that make you scared and uncomfortable is a good thing.

15. How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?
- Because if I don't have acceptance of my disease then I'd believe I wouldn't have to do all this work, and believe that I can quit on my own. Which I know through experience is not true.