Monday, February 10, 2014

The Journey I've Begun

I've been using and abusing substances for quiet some time now. The thing is, I never considered myself an "addict." I never even thought I had a problem. I thought I was managing my drug use normally, like everyone else. But once my family caught on to what I was doing, I realized I needed help. Because I saw the turmoil I was putting my family through, and it was literally tearing us apart. I had lost my sense of self. I realized I didn't even know who I was anymore, and I hadn't felt anything real in years. I was constantly numbing my body and my mind. My life had become unmanageable. I knew this had to stop, because I wanted the old me back. So I checked myself into a rehab facility, and began my road to recovery. This is a journey of a thousand steps, and I've only just begun. It's now part of who I am, part of my story. This is the road less traveled for many, unfortunately. But if I can save at least one person from going through what I have been through, then I have accomplished a great deed in this world. This is a continuing story, so keep checking back.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Step One, Part One

*The Disease of Addiction
Addiction has been my enemy, yet my friend. Although I have demonstrated some control in my past drug use, it quickly got out of control. The problem was, I was a functioning drug addict. And to me, that's the worst kind. While I felt bad deep down inside, my addiction was protecting me from feeling the guilt and shame that I should have been feeling. Addiction was the part of me that makes excuses for my use, the part of me that tells me it is okay because I was born like that, and I can't help it. When in fact, I have learned through my early stages of recovery that I CAN help it. My disease tells me that I don't have a disease, but I know in my heart of hearts I do, and that's why I am choosing to do something about it. I want to turn my life around completely.

1. What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
- To me, the disease of addiction means being fully dependent on some type of chemical substance, and needing it on a daily basis just to get through the day and to function normally.

2. Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

- Today I am 28 days sober. So, it hasn't been active as of late and I plan to keep it that way. I've already come so far and worked so hard. I already see a huge change in myself and in my attitude. I Remember The Pain, and I never want to go back to my old way of life.

3. What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?

-a) The thought of getting high quickly comes to mind whenever I become frazzled or angry. When I feel bad and I take that hit, even though I only briefly feel relief, I soon feel the determination to indulge as soon as I can, doing & hurting anything & anyone I have to to get more. It becomes an obsession, and there lies the problem. And definitely comes into play Emotions over Intellect.
-b) My thinking includes justification, ("I deserve this") rationalization, ("I've done well so far today, I'll make up for it by not using tomorrow") deceptiveness, (hiding behavior or preparing excuses) helplessness & negativity, ("fuck it, what's one more hit?") And "so what if I piss away more time and money, my life is going nowhere anyway.")

4. When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

-a) When I get a crazy thought, I try my hardest not to act on it and I can usually talk myself down from it because I always try to consider the consequences. I never did like to be in trouble, or the cause of problems, even though I know I was a lot of the time.
-b) The only time I really have compulsive behavior is when I'm using or thinking about using and then I become very anxious and irritable. BUT, I always try to play the tape through and remember the pain because thus far, that has worked & kept me clean. I never want to experience that self-inflicted pain again.

5. How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives around me?

- It's caused me a lot of problems in my personal & family life. I stopped putting others before myself, which is not when I am & I'm really trying to change that. I need to check these feelings when I have them and learn some patience. I make my family uncomfortable when I am in this state. I have a lot of self-confidence, I just need to learn to use that in a positive way, and not just to get what I want from people.

6. How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?

-Physically- It's affected me physically because it caused me to be very sick & therefore unproductive most of the time. I've been diagnosed with Cylic Vomiting Syndrome. But truth be told, I think the root of that was the drugs I was doing. And I'm sure I've destroyed many brain cells during my addiction.
-Mentally- Mentally, I've let my addiction grow immensely. I used because I didn't want to deal with the every day, small, simple issues of life. I used to become numb. I exposed it, fed it, and nurtured it. I've passed up a lot of opportunities for intellectual growth by isolation. By nurturing it, I listened to it's evil voice, it's befriended me in more ways than I can describe. It was my best friend, I honestly loved my drugs and it was all I cared about. I don't have a lot of self-discipline, obviously because that's what got me here. My thinking patterns need a definite transformation. I've contemplated suicide before. In my active addiction I felt worthless, full of guilt, shame, dread and regret. Sometimes I rush into things without thinking them through.  
-Spiritually- When in my active addiction, I immediately severed all ties with my higher power. No contact whatsoever. Spirituality has to be the core of my recovery.
-Emotionally- When my head is consumed by my addiction, I am an all around, complete wreck. It consumes me completely. I cry a lot when I am in pain or just become very angry & hostile.

7. What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?

- By causing me to constantly doubt myself in any decision I am trying to make.



Step One, Part Two

*Denial

1. Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
- In the past, in my active addiction, my behavior has gotten progressively worse and my excuses for not doing things I promised and not going to work have become less and less plausible. Throughout my past I have blamed a lot of things on my childhood and felt like I was entitled a break since I had such a rough time growing up, a lot of responsibilities were placed on my shoulder at a very young age. The main issue I have is the tendency to want to isolate myself. I have a lot of trust issues with others because I have been screwed over so many times. I do that for my own protection, but I know it's not good or healthy. I've built a wall around myself & find it very difficult to let others in. I don't like the feeling of vulnerability.

2. Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I planned to act that way? What were these times?
- I'm not generally a compulsive person except when it comes to my using. Then I will do, use, and abuse anyone I have to go get what I want and feel no remorse for it.When I feel this compulsion kicking in, I try to reorder my task list for the rest of the day to do constructive things that will eat up my time, keep my busy, and keep my mind occupied and off using. 

3. How have I blamed others for my behavior?
- Since my casual drug use grew into addiction, I have blamed others for the predicaments my life is in. ("if he'd of never introduced me to that, I wouldn't be an addict.") But the truth is, addiction runs in my family and I was born an addict. I was just too young to see the signs. I'm guilty of diverting pain towards others, like ex-boyfriends and the way they have treated me. It's time to own up to my own issues and mistakes, as I cannot fully heal until I do.

4. How have I compared my addiction to that of others? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare to others?
- As much as I'd like to think my addiction isn't as bad as others, I know this is not true because addiction is addiction, and a drug is a drug is a drug is a drug. They are all harmful to the mind, body & soul. I've compared myself to others by thinking that because I got a hold of this at a young age and haven't struggled with this for many years, that I'm not as bad as others. But I've realized that it's just as bad, no matter what the drug is, and that I'm just more fortunate than most to realize that this is a problem in my early twenties, and to choose to do something about it.

5. Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should have known better?
- Although I'm no longer using, I want to make my sober life a happy life, and learn to be more at ease. And for that I need to become completely honest. I remembering drinking/using as a teenager, and I always did to with the sole intention of getting fucked up. I am plagued by the fact that I should have known better, because it doesn't take a scientist to figure out that this way of life only leads to trouble. 

6. Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction & recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
- Tricky question. I do know that I have the strength from the fellowship and God to not use today, that I'm not alone in my thoughts and emotions. If I do what is suggested, I will make it through another day. And if I keep coming back, I will stay connected and that evil voice inside me is separated more from my sobriety and I. Do I feel I have enough information? Not really. I have never really studied this until I realized I was an addict myself, but I'm learning more as I continue my road to recovery.

7. Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I feel the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried of what others will think?
- I'm not avoiding action because I want to get help. That's why I'm here. Although owning up to all the things I've done wrong is very difficult, it's also humbling at the same time. I'm not ashamed because I know I am not the only one facing this disease. I've admitted that I am an addict & that I have am problem. And I am ready to fully surrender myself to this program and kick addictions ass! I do not care what others think because I am doing this for me, and I'm ready for a new, clean and sober life. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Step One, Part Three

* Hitting Bottom: Despair & Isolation

1. What crisis brought me to recovery?
- The fact that my entire family no longer trusted me & were extremely disappointed in me. My dad was to a point that he was ready to kick me out and didn't care where I went. He didn't even trust me enough to be home alone, and at 20 years old, that's a tough thing to deal with.

2. What situation led me to formally work step one?

- I knew if I didn't do this right away that I would end up like half the people I was in rehab with - relapsing and ending up back in a rehab facility within a year. I want to get a hold on this now while I'm young, because I want to be able to be successful, and enjoy the rest of my life.

3. When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? How so?

- I realized I had a problem when I couldn't even make it an hour without using something, let alone go an entire day completely sober. It started effecting everyone around me. To correct it, I checked myself into a rehabilitation center.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Step One, Part Four

* Powerlessness

1. Over what, exactly am I powerless?
- My addiction. My ability to stop using on my own, no matter how much I have tried, or wanted to.

2. I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do while focusing on recovery. What were they?
- I've lied, cheated, and stole anything from anyone with no remorse. I did whatever I could to get that next fix, that next high, and I didn't care who I had to hurt to get it. And that's NOT who I am. This disease has turned me into a monster. And I was constantly lying/hiding being high, even to my "friends."

3. How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction?
- I become very isolated, aggravated, pissed off and paranoid, wondering where that next fix is coming from. I was always scheming ways to get money out of people, promising to pay them back, when I knew I had no intentions of doing so & constantly chasing drugs, wondering where that next fix was coming from.

4. Do I manipulate others to maintain my addiction? How?
- Yes. I would hangout with other people I only pretended to like because they had what I wanted. I only did this when I absolutely had to though, because I'd have rather just isolate and provide for myself. 

5. Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that life was so painful that I didn't stay abstinent for very long? What were these times like?
- Yes. These times I was so miserable and bored and going through the motions of life felt like a chore to me. Very lonely and depressed. I tried filling this void with guys, but soon learned that they were not really interested in who I was or what I had to say, but only in sex. I was used a lot and have been in a number of abusive relationships.

6. How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others?
- I can't begin to put into words the amount of damage that I have done to myself and others. Things I've done, people I've hurt, things that no amount of amends could ever erase. I know this road to recovery will be a long & hard one to travel. The fungus inside my soul grows larger with each deed that cannot be undone. There's a monster inside of me that demands to feed. I've been cut, scarred, bruised, beaten, humiliated, spit on, discarded, degraded and laughed at. Somehow the drugs could even drown out laughter. I hate you for not loving me, but I hate myself more because I loved you.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Step One, Part Five

* Unmanageability

1. What does unmanageability mean to me?
- When I was doing drugs, life seemed to be pretty manageable, even the few times I had done coke, I felt like I had my life under control. But I realize now that it was only because I was high, and numb to the world. Some things about my past show me that unmanageability are:
a) I couldn't stop no matter how sick it made me
b) Spent money I didn't have
c) Missing work
d) Avoid responsibilities
e) Bite me tongue and be a doormat
f) Wasn't productive at work
g) Didn't pay my bills
h) Didn't take care of myself or my health
i) Wrecked my car
j) Ashamed & humiliated myself to get that next high

2. Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything that I could have been arrested for it only I was caught? What were these things?
- Luckily, I've never been arrested directly related to drugs or my addiction. But I was arrested for a ticket that I did not pay, because I didn't have the money to pay it because I had spent it all on dope. And there were so many times, more than I could ever count that I've driven around with drugs in my car, which is definitely illegal and a criminal offense.

3. What trouble have I have at work/school because of my using? What about family?
- I've lost several jobs due to being dope sick & not showing up, or having no motivation or care to go. That makes me really disappointed in myself, because before my addiction took hold of me, I was extremely motivated and driven. I've lost focus and interest in school, though I'm working really hard to get back in and hope to start classes this summer. Family - it's caused all of them to lose complete trust in me and be extremely disappointed in me.

4. What troubles have I had with friends due to my addiction?
- Honestly, I think a lot of my friends were unaware of how bad my addiction was, I don't even know if they would label it as addiction, because most of them were using buddies. I also lost touch with a lot of people, because in the deepest part of my depression and addiction, I tended to isolate myself, not even leaving the house unless it was to get more dope. I rarely answered the phone and never wanted to go out and do anything. I just wanted to be alone in my addiction and insanity.

5. Do I insist on having my own way? What affect has my insistence had on relationships?
- Rarely. In fact, when I am in a relationships, I'm a complete pushover. I do whatever I can to make them happy, even if they treat me like complete shit. I become a doormat and a servant. I put my own happiness and needs on the back burner, because I become so infatuated with them. I know this is unhealthy and it needs to change before I take a stab at a new relationship.

6. Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
- Yes, I consider the needs of others, almost to a fault. I tend to put others' needs before my own, to the detriment of my own needs. When I didn't consider the needs of others, I was stealing money from family and when I would get caught (which was rarely) I'd lie, saying I used the money for doctors' apts, prescriptions, etc...

7. Do I accept responsibility for my life and for my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
- I'm still in the very early stages of recovery, but I am learning again to take responsibility for everything in my life, good or bad. At the moment, meetings and recovery are my #1 priority. It's what I need right now to stay sober. But I'm getting better at dealing with life as it comes, and all this, I've learned through the wonderful program of Narcotics Anonymous. 

8. Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
- I like to plan every aspect of my life to a T. I become very agitated when those plans are not followed through. Although I know that's just the way life goes sometimes. I already have such bad anxiety and when things don't go how I had planned it just escalates. I know that this is no way to deal with life, as somethings are just simply out of my hands. But I'm learning to better deal with the curve balls life throws at me, and just go with the flow.

9. Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected me?
- I do not take life's challenges as an insult. I accept them for what they are, and see them as an opportunity for prosperity and growth. One more thing I can kick it's ass. Nothing will bring me down now, because I am more determined than I have ever been, about anything.

10. Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to everything with panic?
- I'll be the first to admit, it's small things that send me over the edge. Things I feel should be common sense to most. That's what gets under my skin more than anything. But for me, crisis mode typically kicks in when I'm in absolute isolation. Because I refuse social gestures to help lure me out of them. But I wouldn't necessarily say I maintain a crisis mentality. 9/10 times I try to find the silver lining, no matter how bad the situation may be, because I always just tell myself "it could be worse." I don't like to be a Negative Nancy. No one likes that. And negative thinking only leads to negative actions and people. I want to veer away from that lifestyle because I've been trapped for way too long.

11. Do I ignore signs that there may be something seriously wrong with my health, thinking that things will work out somehow?
- My health used to be a constant source of stress for me before I got clean. I was sick on a weekly basis and have far too many ER trips to begin to count. Yes, I did nothing about it because I was naive and did think it would work itself out. I have no problem bitching at a doctor because they can't figure out what's wrong with me, or why this keeps happening to me, but I had every problem admitting and becoming aware that I was more than likely doing this to myself due to my excessive drug use. But I have had zero health issues since I have been clean and I have high hopes that it will continue this way. No one likes being sick all the time, although it would appear that it didn't bother me that much, because it took me 2 years to stop the bullshit and realize I was doing it to myself.

12. When in real danger, have I ever been indifferent to the danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.
- Well, to say the least, my give-a-fuck meter was usually pinned at 0. I didn't care about anything, except getting high no matter what lengths I had to go to do so. But when things take a turn for the worse, I tend to just isolate myself and pretend whatever is going around me, isn't.

13. Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
- Physical altercations? Never. But I've indirectly harmed others by stealing from them. And also caused harm to others by things I have said, raking up shit from the past and poring petty and ancient resentments on them. But I think the worst way I have caused harm is to myself. I've done a great deal of emotional and mental damage to myself. I've neglected people I love to isolate and use. I cut almost everyone out. Now that I'm clean, most of them don't want anything to do with me, and I can't say that I blame them. I only have myself to blame for that.

14. Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? 
- Of course I took drugs to change/suppress my feelings. I think nearly all addicts do that. That's one thing I have learned about recovery, is that details of our behaviors may be different, but we all have the same reason for doing them. What was I trying to change or suppress? Suppress feelings of abuse, wanting to drown it out and not think about it, not feel the damage it's done to me mentally. To drown out all the horrible names I've been called by those who claim to "love me." To forget about everything and not feel. To get through a day without feeling sad or down on myself, or like I deserved for all this to happen to me. Because believe me, no one deserves to be put through what I have been put through.

15. Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect and/or dignity? Describe.
- No, not particularly. Sometimes my emotions and feelings become overwhelming and confusing but most of the time I'm able to recognize that these are just feelings and will pass. My only real issue here is that most of the time, I don't know what to do WHILE I'm feeling them.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Step One, Part Six

* Reservations

1. Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
- I believe I have. I've become willing and fully surrendered myself to this disease. I know I have a problem and that I have a lot of changes to make before I can heal. And even though it will continue to be very difficult, I also have come to realize that this will be a life long battle, as there is no "cure" to this disease.

2. Do I think I can still associate with the people connected to my addiction? Can I still go to the places were I used? Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?
- Absolutely not. I've already cut ties with all my old "friends" which I have come to learn were just using buddies, and not friends at all. And no, it's definitely not safe to keep any type of drug or paraphernalia around me or my house because I don't feel I'm to a point that if I was alone I could say no. I don't feel comfortable testing myself, and this early in my recovery, I feel it could be very detrimental. One day I pray I will be able to look at it and comfortably say no, but not today. Before I even left rehab, I told my dad where my stash was and asked him to get rid of it. I did not want to see it anymore, especially after I just got out of a rehabilitation center and was well on my way to recovery.

3. Do I think that with some amount of clean time, or different circumstances, I'd be able to control using?
-You know, when I first went into treatment, I thought that I'd still be able to smoke pot. But honestly , before I got out, I had my stash thrown out, and because I learned so much while in treatment & by going to meetings, I don't even feel the need to get high anymore. 

4. Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that is so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?
- Honestly, I can confidently say I don't think so. I've revolved my new life around this program, and I have learned to better deal with life. In such a way that I never want to use again. And that's huge for me to feel like that. Because before, all I could think about was how I couldn't wait to get high.

5. What reservations am I still holding on to?
- As I said before, I still held onto the reservation that I could still smoke pot when I got out. But since I've been clean for 31 days, I don't even feel the urge to use anymore. I have no reservations and I'm ready for this new life to consume me.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Step One, Part Seven

*Surrender

1. What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything? What convinces me that I can't use successfully anymore?
-I've only recently become aware & convinced that I'm not able to use successfully. The farther down the road to recovery I travel and the farther I get away from using, the more clear things become. I've been absolutely miserable for the last 2 1/2 years. I thought I was using successfully. But I used in order to function on some level of normality. I used to numb my feelings, so I could live somewhat happy. But increasingly, I've become aware that I was not living at all.

2. Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?
- Completely. Recovery will be a life long process for me. I'll never be "recovered," I just continue to recovery day by day, and that will last forever.

3. Can I begin my recovery without complete surrender?
- No, because if I haven't fully surrendered, then I haven't completely come to terms with the fact that I am an addict and have the disease of addiction.

4. What would life be like if I fully surrendered?
- I have fully surrendered myself to this disease because I want healing and recovery. And let me tell you, life is so much better on this side of addiction. I'm happier than I've been since I can remember.

5. Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?
- Absolutely not.

Step One, Part Eight

*Spiritual Principles

1. If I've been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or someone else?
- I'm lucky in the sense that I'm a fairly sociable person (when I want to be) and I've found a lot of sober friends through NA and treatment. I'm able to talk to with them about everyday life as well as my recovery. I've met so many wonderful people through NA which has helped me a lot to isolate less and know that I'm not alone. From experience, I sometimes find it hard to share my feelings and personal battles I've been through, sometimes it's hard for me to understand them well enough myself to be able to share them with others. I'm definitely working on it though, and writing it all out, and blogging it etc... It is really helping me to better understand myself.

2. Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had free from active addiction?
- This is an aspect of this I've only recently begun to understand. The idea that I'll always be an addict is just starting to settle with me, and I'm just now coming to terms/accepting that. I thought that recovery led to being fully recovered, but I know this to be untrue, as recovery will be a life long process.

3. Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer have to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?
3a) - I can be open and honest about everything. I don't have to remember what lies I told to who to keep my story straight, or to cover my tracks to hide my using.
3b) - I absolutely appreciate the freedom that has come along with this freeing of active addiction.

4. What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor or the person I heard it from to explain it to me?
- Some stock phrases don't sit well with me. Like "You know what happens to those who don't come to meetings? They use." That really grinds my gears, because I do know people with lots of clean time that did it without the program. I know that it is not the suggested way to do it, but some people have more strength and willpower than others. I know that for me personally, I need the program and I need meetings. But it doesn't work for everyone.

5. In what ways am I practicing open-mindedness?
- When  hear something I didn't know, or have a hard time believing, I get to ask questions. I can share my story and my thoughts and listen to others' as well. I can learn from anybody. Either what TO do, or what NOT to do.

6. Am I willing to follow my sponsors directions?
- Not without question. I'm the type of person that I need to understand why I'm being asked to do something before I do it. But I'm fully willing.

7. Am I willing to go to meetings regularly?
- Yes. I go to at least one everyday, sometimes two a day.

8. Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?
- Recovery already has my best efforts. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. I'm asking questions about anything I don't understand, I'm working on my steps daily, I go to as many meetings as I can, and I try to help newcomers as much as possible. I'm following the suggestions given to me, 100% and whole-heartedly.

9. Do I believe I'm a monster who has poisoned the world with my addiction?
- No, I know I am a good person, because I try to look out for everyone & help in any ways that I can. While I'm aware that I've made some bad decisions in the past, that does not mean that I'm bad. Everyone has problems, and I'm strong enough to choose to stare my demons right in the face, and take them on without worry.

10. Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or somewhere in-between?
- I think society is who loses when we stay needlessly sick, like I did for a very long time. But one persons wrong doings do not affect society as a whole. So I would have to say somewhere in between.

11. Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family & friends? In society as a whole? In what sense?
- I believe I'm as important to my family & friends as they are to me. They have been 100% supportive through this whole process and continue to be. I'm only one single member of society, so I believe I'm unimportant in the overall scheme of things. But I vote, and I pay taxes so I do believe I contribute to the economic growth, at a very small percentage. 

12. How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with the work in step 1?
- I think humility is a willingness to learn. And I'm more than willing to learn this new way of life. Working step one, I learned a lot about myself that I never knew, or at least never chose to accept. To practice acceptance, we must do more than just admit we're addicts. Once I accepted my addiction, I felt a sense of rising hope. I also began to feel a sense of peace. I've come to complete terms with my addiction, my recovery, and the meaning of the two realities coming together in my life. I no longer dread a future of meeting attendance, sponsor contact, and step work. Now I see recovery as a precious gift, and the work that comes with it is no more trouble than the normal routines of life. I no longer see this as a chore.

13. Have I made peace with the fact that I'm an addict?
- Yes, although I still feel guilty about it, and feel I was cheated because I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and family, I've come to terms with the fact that it is what it is, and I've accepted that completely. I'm willing to make whatever changes I need to.

14. Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay clean?
- Yes. Although I'm very scared of step five, I know it is absolutely necessary to my recovery. And I've learned that in recovery, doing things that make you scared and uncomfortable is a good thing.

15. How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?
- Because if I don't have acceptance of my disease then I'd believe I wouldn't have to do all this work, and believe that I can quit on my own. Which I know through experience is not true. 


Step One, Part Nine

*Moving On

1. How do I know that it is time to move on?
-Because I've been so desperate and hurting so badly, that I couldn't stand anyone, let alone myself. This is no way to live. It's time for a new Lexie, and a new, clean life.

2. What is my understanding of step one?
- I'm a powerless addict and in active addiction, my life quickly spirals out of control. My understanding of step one is that it's centered around acceptance at a deep level. The cause-effect relationship between my lifes problems and my using. I have a problem and it's addiction, affecting the way I think, feel, and act. And that is not limited to where I'm active in my addiction. Taking drugs out of the equation helps although it does not fully constitute recovery but only enables it. Step one also involves understanding the concept of powerlessness in regard to my addiction. When I start using, I'm gripped by a compulsion to use more and more. That's when I become powerless over my addiction. Unmanageability was more a matter of what goes on in my inner life, as outwardly looking, my life does not seem that bad at all. But on the inside, I recognize the unmanageability in the regard of my way of thinking and my emotions. I've heard someone say, "Once an addict, always an addict." So returning to using is just not an option for me, unless I want all the baggage that comes along with it. Which I definitely do not.

3. How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?
- I've come to a place where I see the results and turmoil of my old way of life, and have accepted that a new way of living is called for. I'm already starting to see how rich the possibilities of recovery are. I have freedom from my active addiction and and seeing the void that I've been filling with drugs and other compulsive behaviors. I believe that working the steps will fill that void in a correct manner.